Today's blog prompt from the WEGO Health Blog is to find the word of the day and relate it back to your health condition. I found a WOTD from Wiktionary for April 2. I's certainly a word I can riff on.
An adjective meaning restless, apprehensive, fidgety.
Yeah, I can relate to that.
I so frequently declare diabetes as having no right to lay claim on who I am today. And yet, when I start thinking about the timing of things in my life, diabetes was there in the shadows, moving the hands of my clock at its own confusing pace.
Diabetes has affected my ability to get health insurance as an adult, which made me antsy about my career choices and my marital status throughout my 20s. It ultimately rushed my marriage to take place at a JOP five months before our wedding when I learned that I could not extend my COBRA coverage on my parents' plan until our actual wedding date. The day my husband and I were legally joined in matrimony, we stood beneath a framed photo of Ronald Reagan in a cowboy outfit. I can safely say that that wasn't in my original plans.
Diabetes affected when I could get pregnant, making me wait, resentful and fidgety, until my blood sugar control was in the optimum range. It made me antsy and impatient for a pregnancy, antsy and worried throughout those critical nine months, and now I find myself antsy again thinking about the next baby.
Next baby? My little one just started walking. Is not weaned. Is not potty trained. Having my children so close together was not in my plans as a younger woman when I imagined I'd be married and having kids in my 20s.
But I'm antsy.
I want to do it now, while I'm under 35 and while I feel healthy and have energy. But I also want to wait so that my little Sweetie gets more time and attention with me before a sibling comes. And all of this worry and restlessness boils down to the compromises you make when you don't think you have the time to space your life events out along a more comfortable timeline.
I'm fidgety. Anxious. Ready to just do it already. And I'm antsy because I have to sit and wait again. Sit and wait for the goddamn diabetes to be doing what it's supposed to do. For me to do what I need to do.